One of my mom’s (many) complaints about me when I was a teenager is that I always gave my best attitude and best personality to the people I knew the least. She said I was nicer to strangers than to my own family. After I became an adult and had my own kids, I realized my kids were doing the same thing. They behaved so much better at someone elses house than at home. It really confused me, until my wise mother explained something to me. She said that my kids, especially my teenager, trusted me enough to be who she really was. She’s not perfect, she’s not always ready to be the personality of the conversation and she’s not always happy. She knows I know her well enough to understand who she really is, and not judge her. But the people she doesn’t know, won’t give her the benefit of the doubt like I will. So, as her mother, I will take the good with the bad, the attitude with the hugs and the meltdowns with the sunny moments, because I am her mom and she trusts me enough to be herself around me.
When you are talking about teenagers, you could finish that sentence in so many ways. I will love you more than my Ipod, my favorite TV show. Or you could be generic about it, I will love you more than you will ever know. But sometimes, it’s nice for a teenager to have a more clear reference to how much we will love them, especially since they feel so unloved through these tough years. We feel like they are always getting into trouble and they feel like they are always in trouble, but this is the age they need love and support from the people around them the most. So, I have my own way to finish that sentence. Something that really shows them and expresses how much you love them without question. I even wrote it out on a piece of paper and put it in my daughters room right by the lightswitch, so she won’t ever be able to walk out of her room with out seeing it. My favorite way to finish this sentence…… I WILL LOVE YOU MORE….. THAN YOU WILL EVER HATE ME. Enough said.
I do love Taylor. I really do, but right now we are not liking each other very much. Taylor and I seem to be getting into it with each other more and more. Maybe my tolerance for the teenage smugness has worn thin and she just thinks I’m the wicked witch. Or maybe since we are with each other this summer constantly, we are a little impatient. This weekend I snapped as we were on our way to a fashion show we were all supposed to help with, I called my husband to come pick her up. I wasn’t wanting to deal with the arms crossed, biting of the lip and glares from her. This event was going to be fun, and I was excited about it, but I just couldn’t take her pouting in the corner so home she went. I try and get the girls involved with fun things my job allows, like fashion shows, movie premieres, and other fun things, but it seems that she would rather be miserable than try to enjoy what she gets to do. So, I guess she is going to be just as miserable but missing out on a few things from now on. I remember being this difficult but it doesn’t make it any easier.
Next weeks blog: My favorite thing to say to my kids…..ever!
I have noticed this summer that my kids are extremely busy. They have friends to hang with and places to go, but it seems that my ATM card is just as busy as their lives. It’s a constant, “hey mom, can I go to the movies with my friends today?” ”We wanna go to the waterpark” “Can I go to Jamba with K.C.?” Hey, I would love for my kids to be able to do what they want with their friends, but my bank account just can’t afford that. When do you say no? Where do you set the limits? Do you set a money amount they can spend each week? Do you tell them you can do 3 things a week with your friends? We tried to make the girls responsible for their own activities. If they wanted to do something with their friends, they had to pay for it themselves, but then they would run out of money and go anyway,and then their friends parents would end up paying. OMGOSH! That was a big reality check when a friends parent called me!! So, parents….. what has worked for you? Do you have the same issues? Am I missing something??? I love that my girls are having fun with their friends, but I’m afraid I just can’t afford 3 girls going to the movies 3 times a week!!!
I am very excited to be starting a blog about raising a teenager. I don’t have all of the answers for everything, which is why this is going to be good for you and me. I will rant and ask for advice from you, and maybe I can help you out with some issues you are dealing with at home with your teenager.
One of the issues that Justin and I deal with at home is the “it’s not fair” argument. We get from not just our 14 year old, but from all 3 of our girls. My first reaction is always, LIFE ISN’T FAIR! But that doesn’t get me very far. So I find myself yelling back trying to explain why my decision IS fair, or at least my reasoning for why it’s fair. Unfortunately that never seems to make the situation any better. Now I have learned that explaining calmly and without yelling why I am doing something, or why I am NOT doing something and then simply walking away is better for a couple of reasons. First of all it allows me to state my point, and that’s it. Second, it gives Taylor a chance to think about the words I just said and not the arguing back and forth after. Then about 20 minutes later, when we have both calmed down, I explain to her again why I did what I did and ask if she has any rational questions. If she continues to accuse me and yell, I will walk away again. I won’t talk with her about it until she is willing to sit and be rational. If she uses “it’s not fair” as her argument I want to know WHY she thinks it’s not fair….calmly. But with the emotions and hormones in our house, CALMLY seems to be happening less and less and my last words usually are….”THAT’S MY DECISION SO JUST DEAL WITH IT!!!” Having the last word as a parent is a beautiful thing! Of couse, she has the last word under her breath most of the time, screaming at me into her pillow, but I think I can live with that.
All Music, No Talk!
